A blog post at the beginning of the year seems super appropriate.

You know the kind where you reflect on your #OneLittleWord or you list out what your resolutions and goals are for the year.  Maybe I’m just trying to buck the system, but this year, that’s not for me.  I can’t handle it.  I can’t handle the potential of missing an expectation.  And, I sure can’t handle the thought of putting one more expectation on myself. 

So, this year I’m just going to be.  Yes, you might say…well then that’s your word.  If it makes me conform and have a word, then yes.  But “be” is not a definition for my year or something I’m going to put on my wall and stare at. I just can’t do it.  But, it is a commitment I’m making in my mind.

I want to be way more present in my moments.  I’m a doer. A “Martha” if you will.  I don’t do idle very well (as I’ve said here many times before).  I want to try more things.  I want to experience more of what NWA has to
offer.  I want to be fully present on coffee dates and Bible study conversation. I want to crack the cover of more books and clean out the crap in my garage. 

Just yesterday morning, I experienced what it is like to be.  A couple came in and sat down next to me at church.  I said I and confirmed that the empty seat between us was not being saved for anyone.  Somewhere mid worship set, they had to move over to empty a seat for a couple who arrived late.  Since this grown man and I were about to share valuable elbow space, he kindly introduced himself to me.  He looked familiar and I thought about it during the service.  Where did I know him from?  Chamber events?  Cancer events?  Just a random person I’ve seen in the lobby at church and remembered a face.  After service I asked the question, “who are you”.  I fondly remember the first Sunday of January 2 years ago when a woman did the same for me.  It changed everything about my NWA experience and put me on the path to making this home. 

I didn’t know them.  But, I’m so glad that I just sat and talked.  I think the moment of therapy came for me in that moment.  Yes, there were 4 text messages that had come in during the church service.  Yes, there were things I had rolling around in my mind. But, I just sat there and I talked to these people.  I shared my story with them; who I am and asked them to do the same.

I’ve not done much reflecting on 2014.  While it wasn’t as terrible as 2013, the first half was full of some UGLY moments for me. But, to share with those people God’s redeeming grace and the hindsight bias that comes from seeing what following Him and obeying His guidance can bring; I was refreshed. 

Honestly, I’ve not been able to do that.  I tried while I was home (in Texas).  There were plenty of days where I was out of my normal routine before and after Christmas and before and after New Year’s where I could think.  There was a 6 hour car ride home, all by myself, where I could think.  But I just couldn’t.  I don’t know if I’ve been scared to set goals for 2015, complacent, or just defiant. But, I couldn’t.  And, I didn’t.  And, I don’t really want to. 

Instead, I’m just going to be present.  I going to take what happens as the days unfold.  I’m excited about 2015; the promises it holds, the adventures I don’t even know exist, the personal growth in store and the relationships and friendships it will bring.

I vow to put my phone down more.  Crack open the dusty books on my nightstand (yes, before I order more from my Amazon wish list!).  Clean out the boxes of items that I moved here and haven’t even touched –there is intellectual property in there that it scares me to get rid of, but they are holding me back…more to come on that later!

Part of that is giving myself the grace to not have an expectation here.  I have ideas and dreams.  Things I want to accomplish and some days that may or may not exist.   

“be”ing not doing. 
Listening instead of having my face planted in my device.  Approaching today instead of worrying about tomorrow. 

And, because writing a blog post is not always most feasible – capturing the every day may happen more on Instagram, Twitter, and sometimes FB.