ok, so I’ve left you out in the wind. The last post was started on Thursday afternoon, but I never finished it. So, sorry about the retrospect.

Mom and resa come tomorrow. I have my next set of scans on Thursday morning. My doctor put a note on my file to do nothing until we scan. So, Thursday I should know what is next.

Scans are at 8:10 and then my appointment is at 11.

I don’t really know how I feel. 240 kids left campus at noon today after being here for 3 days for the New Student Retreat. I’m so worn out.

So, yes, I have lots of feelings, but I will not share for the sheer fact that so many of them are blinded by pure exhaustion.

It was so hard for me to not have the mic in my hand this weekend. This voice thing has been really hard. Not usual for me to yell out someones name when I need them and they cant hear me (and no, I don’t need to be yelling, but sometimes I forget. I cant help it). I mean you can barely hear me on the cell phone.

I call it my sexy smoker voice, but there really is nothing sexy about it. I so hope this is over soon. I hate thinking about what I can and cant eat. I hate being the inconvenience. It really drives me crazy. I want to eat a steak. I want chips and salsa. I want to eat bbq and enjoy it. I want sweet tea to taste sweet again and not salty. I want to drink a soda or order an ocean water at sonic. I’m tired of mashed potatoes (unless they are those kind from last night), baked potatoes, worrying if I can find something to eat at whatever restaurant we eat at. I’m tired of carrying around my orange bottle of medicine so I can gargle it 15 minutes before I want to try and eat something. I’m tired of my throat hurting after it isn’t numb any more because I ate something I shouldn’t have.

Another new reality I’m tired of is seeing “cancer face” in pictures. That is the new look. It’s hard. I saw one today. yuck. maybe I should wear makeup more…but I’m tired of that too and when its hot, now that I’m a sweater, I hate feeling like my face is melting off. Ok, I’m tired and I’m tired of hearing myself complain. So, I’m going home.