Well, today was radiation day 1. I must say, I am relieved. It was not as involved or as big a deal as I thought it might be.

I went in and got suited up in my gown. While that story and all the awkward weirdness is not the most appropriate story for the www, let me just say that “doctor office gowns” are funny. They are awkward and anyone who has ever had to wear one knows exactly what I mean. They cover up the “indecency” and yet they just create more in the process. So, there is your lesson part one.

On your first appointment, they take you in the Simulation Room. I assume this room is meant to do exactly that. You lay on the table, they put your mask on…which is not nearly as big a deal as it was last time since I knew what it looked like and that I could in fact, “Just breathe like normal”.

As a side note, I think that is really a funny phrase. Every time you go in for a scan or anything like that, they say…”Just breathe like normal”. It is not normal for me to be laying on my back, with a plastic mesh mask strapping me to the table. Then, you lay on a table that is not as wide as your body with your elbows bent and after about 2 minutes, they begin to become dead weight. So, your supposed to stay still, relax, and just breathe like normal, but your gown is pulled down to your belly button, two women you don’t know have just had a marker fight all over your chest, you are strapped down to a 2×4 with a plastic mesh mask and your elbows are pulling down, and you are tensing your shoulders trying to keep them from falling off the table. So, “just breathe like normal”…doesn’t really make sense.

That makes it sound a lot worse than it really was, but this is the mental battle that you have to overcome when you are laying flat on your back, staring at the ceiling. Lucky for me, I had a second chance. You know its funny when you are laying flat on your back, you have only one direction to look, and that’s up. So, the first time in the simulation room, I started thinking about what I was laying there doing and I had this out of body experience.

I laid there as my mind was racing, thinking about what I was doing, not in a pitty party way, but more of a “no stinkin way this is happening” way. Any way, I could tell that lump that starts forming in my throat that makes me bite my cheek, right before I start getting up set, was finding its place. And because I knew what was next and I knew that if I started crying, I could not catch my tears so, I decided that I needed to stop. So, I told myself…STOP! You’re a big girl, you cant change any of this and crying or getting upset is not going to fix it…so stop. Think about something else. So, I did. I know there has to be something at work I can think through, so I started on that and before I knew it, it was over.

Back to the “gown” room to wait for my name to be called to go back to the radiation room. Once you get back there, everything goes pretty quick. They get you on the table, get you all lined up and then you start.

If you have ever had an MRI or a CT scan, the room is much like that. You lay on the bed and you are rolled into a big donut type thing. Then the radiation rolls around on that. It does radiation from the top, then from the bottom. There is a beep that you hear when it is radiating so you know to be super still and then, its done.

When I say that I got a “do-over” or second chance, I mean that when I went into the radiation room and got all marked up and strapped in, I was laying there staring at the ceiling before they put the mask on and there are these filters over the florescent lights that are scenes. The are flowers or leaves…its nice that they covered that detail. But, this time when I closed my eyes after the mask was put on, I thought, you know I’m laying here on this table facing the heavens and I haven’t even thought to spend this time doing the only thing that can help me and that is pray. You know as I did that, the time went by so quickly. And, I’m looking forward again to my personal time tomorrow. Funny how it takes you laying flat on your back, strapped in with no where else to look but up!

The ladies who are the technicians are really nice and gentle in the way that they treat you and handle you. So, that makes things even better. My appointments will be at 8:40 most days unless I have to reschedule for other appointments.

Tomorrow is a 2:00 day. I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow at 2:00 as well. It will be a juggling act to get it all in, but I am super grateful that my doctors have been compliant with everything.

and, there are more that you can’t see!