That statement is so true. Yesterday I was barley getting by. Now, that sounds a little dramatic, but you know its me. I went to church yesterday morning, that is a first for a chemo weekend. Usually, I just take advantage of another day to sleep in, but I was feel pretty good on Saturday, better than I normally do and so I set my alarm to get up. I felt good when I got up and even as I got ready for church, sometimes getting ready makes me more tired than anything. I walked in and saw my peeps and it felt like another week. I did sit down through much of the worship set knowing that I needed to conserve my energy. You wouldn’t think standing would pull that much energy, but it does, especially when you are like me and cant stand still.
Our pastor was preaching on Prayer, something that I know so much about, not because I do enough of it, but because I know what it feels like and what it can accomplish. Somewhere past the third point of the introduction, you know how those Baptist preachers are, and into the first point of the second point…you get where this is going…I started getting hot. Its kinda weird to describe and for your sake, I will try to be brief, but I felt like I was going to get sick. But, I knew that if I thought about something else, then it might go away. So, I did. I thought about how hot I was and how the area around me felt like it was closing in. I got my sermon notes and started fanning. Kinda weird because it was already pretty chilly in the sanctuary. But, I was too weak to fan, so I kept switching arms and trying not to make a big deal at the same time. My face and arms started getting clammy and I wasn’t sure what was going on. I just kept trying to blink. I’m not sure what that did, but it was what I was doing. Finally, I caved in and knew I had to leave. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to get to my car or even drive myself home, but I knew that I needed to get out of the sanctuary and off the second row before whatever was going to happen happened. Really, I knew I needed to lay down.
It was a struggle. You see, growing up, we were never the kids that could get up and leave during the service. My dad was always in the choir and we sat on our permanent (it really probably had a rear imprint of three bottoms) pew in the front section of the church. We went potty before the services started and we kept ourselves busy during the service. To this day, I still feel guilt if I feel the need to walk out and since I’m a nerd and sit near the front, that never happens. But, yesterday was an exception.
Sometimes on chemo weekends, I just get tired all of a sudden. Literally, I can walk across a room and get tired and know I need to walk back and sit down. Or, after eating both meals on Saturday, I just had to get back to the couch. Now, this is hard for me especially since I want to help clean up after dinner and make sure that things are stacked back into the fridge properly.
Moment of self disclosure…I’m a total freak. I really will think about which container would be the best to store something in the refrigerator as left overs. I don’t want to get something too big because I don’t have a lot of room and I don’t want to get something too small, because I will have to dirty up a bigger one to put it all in. To top all of this off, I am not very spatially adept, so it always proves to be an issue. And, unless there is a significant amount of the entree remaining in the dish I cooked it in, I like to transfer it to a container that has an air tight lid as opposed to using foil or plastic wrap…this my friends is why I’m still single…I’m a weirdo. Please if you meet my husband someday, warn him…but don’t tell him too much I don’t want to be single forever..he will need to figure somethings out on his own.
All of that crazy ranting to say that Bro. Stan is great about addressing all of the congregation, so as soon as he moved to the other side of the stage, I let the people on my row know I was coming out and I was gone. I never looked up until I hit the door. AWWWW..Relief. It was like I had breathed air out of an oxygen tank for the first time. Somewhere in the mix of all that, I felt sick, hot and claustrophobic…not a good combo in any order. When I got to the foyer, I felt better and kept in my march toward the car. I was afraid that I would get to my car and turn the AC on high and just lay there for a minute, but I felt ok to drive home and so I did. I don’t think I have ever changed into pj’s any faster. I got home, and on the couch in about 4 seconds flat. And, there I stayed until 4. It was a great nap. I wish I could go to sleep that easily at night. I was pretty much tired for the rest of the evening. I finally made myself wake up so I could sleep at night. It didn’t work. I still had to take a Tylenol PM.
Today, was a different story. I have felt good. I went to work and stayed late just like normal. Pulled out my boat to get to Brookshires after work in the torrential rain storm that occurred between 6-7 and after Kirt’s lovely Chicken Spaghetti dinner, caught up on all my Monday night shows.
I’m working through my love hate relationship with radiation. Somewhere in the stories of the Indian mark tattoos that will be on my face, the burning of my throat and taste buds, the promise of it being hard to swallow, the possibility of permanent scaring to my insides and the probability of eating everything in liquid form for a couple weeks, I’m beginning to see the GLAMOUR in it all. I know it is what I have to do, so we will do it. I didn’t think chemo would be fun and it has been, so hey…we will press forward.
He is Jehovah Jireh, the Provider and we will praise Him when we see Him clearly and when we do not. Just like Abraham did in Gen 22, we will climb the mountain together with the wood and knife in hand for the offering and we will plan and prepare for what He has called us to do and trust that He will give me the strength to do what I need to do. My trust does not come in hoping that He will remove the cup or release the burden, but that He will give me the strength to build the altar and climb on top.
***I just re read through all that and it seems like a spanter of thoughts…is that even a word? But, please know that I’ve had an interesting couple of days and that while I am scared, I know that God is in control. I am however beginning to worry that some of the chemo brain stuff is permanent!!! Yikes, I hope not. I don’t want to be a blob of dumb ramblings forever.***
