ok, this should have been a post dated October 24….so, just pretend for me.

October 24-I had a scare today. I thought everything was back. Seriously. On Monday I was in Memphis at a college fair and spent the night at a new hotel. The beds weren’t overly comfortable and my neck was totally sore all day on Tuesday. I kinda felt my neck (same motion I used the first time) and my neck felt a little swollen, but I thought well, maybe my neck is just going to be swollen. So, I kinda pushed it off.

Yes, I kept watching my neck throughout the week, but I told myself that it was just the way it is going to be, a little poofy(insert challenge: be observant of yourself. Ladies, you know what to check and everyone be familiar enough with yourself to know when something isn’t right…you can save yourself a lot of time and heartache!). Well, I came back on Wednesday and on Thursday stopped by one of my friends shops in town. His wife and I were talking and she made a comment about how my neck was “still swollen” like it had been when I first discovered the enlarged lymph nodes. She was scared to push on it, but I told her it was ok. She was kinda freaked out.

I tried to play it off like nothing was wrong, but I for sure only had one thing on my mind. “Ok, the worst possible option is actually happening”. Of course my mind started going on “how long has this been here?”, “have I waited too long?”, “why didn’t I pay attention more?”, “so, what now”, “will I have to do treatments again?”, “what plans do I have for the next three months that I am going to have to rework or work around?”. And, “NO LORD, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS HAPPENING”.

So, all night on Thursday, I looked at my neck. As far as I was concerned, it had for sure grown over the week. I just knew that my life was going to change over the weekend. I knew this was the last weekend that I had to pack, so I was scared about what Friday might bring and how my next months could change.

I was already making plans that night, since I couldn’t sleep, how to rearrange some coming responsibilities at work. There were things I was just going to have to give up and get over missing (if you know me, this sanguine cannot handle missing a good time!).

It was a conversation that I was having with myself. “Put on your big girl panties. You know what this will be like. You already know the bad feelings to expect and that you can bounce back from this. The timing is good, you have just gotten your energy back and you can fight this. Yes, the holidays will stink if you are sick, but at least you can be with your family and they can take care of you. People are already off work, so no one will have to take extra time off. You can do this. Just buck up and deal with it.”

So, that was the thought I had as I went to bed on Thursday night. It was good I had things to do to keep me busy that week.

Friday morning, when I woke up, I was convinced that it was back. I had swallowed my pride and just adopted the fact. So, I made sure to wear something that I could easily have my neck looked at, with out having to get too invasive. I came in ready to find Dr. Kluck and have him either tell me that I was crazy or to confirm my suspicions.

You see the older I get, the more I realize that there is some “wuss” level that I have obtained, well, always had. I’ve typically been one to make a big deal out of something, so as I have “aged” and realized this about myself, I have tried to do something about it. So, this whole time, through all this, I have tried to not make a big deal out of things unless, they really are a big deal.

So, I came in ready to set up a treatment plan before the day was over. Poor Kirt, he got an ear full and saw me break down, first thing. It was good that I had worked late the night before, because I was not getting anything done during the day. I finally found Dr. Kluck, a little before noon and had him look at it. He confirmed that there was probably something going on, but since everything has gone through Dr. Mendelsohn, I really had to talk to him/his office and figure out what was going on.

So, I put a call in to Mendelsohn’s office and waited for a call back. I got a call from the nurse right before noon. I told her what all was going on and she talked me through it and the options. While we were on the phone, Dr. Mendelsohn walked through and she put me on hold to get his opinion. He offered that if I would drop everything and come right then, he would stay late on a Friday and see me.

I’m not really sure why I responded like this, but I asked if he felt that I needed to come right now. He said it would be to “ease my mind”. Honestly, I knew that this was my last weekend to get everything packed and I still had a lot to do. I knew that if I packed this weekend and got everything ready, then if I had to start treatment over the next weekend, I would at least have it ready for any helpers that would come.

So, once I knew he wasn’t super concerned, I chose to wait and set an appointment for Monday. Again, good thing I had plans for the weekend, because I sure had too much on my mind to sit around and think about it. I stayed late that night and got everything I could think of finished. I wanted to have everything done so that Monday if I got bad news, I didn’t have that to work on. (yes, I know those are probably morbid thoughts to have, but when you are dealing with cancer, they are very true feelings to experience)

Monday, Kirt was kind enough to go with me to LR for the appointment. He knew how hard it would be to go through all that by yourself. While he stayed in the car and ate his lunch and read, it was nice to have someone there. Going at this time, saved me from having to have my port flushed in Arkadelphia.

Dr. Mendelsohn confirmed that I was not totally crazy. My neck was swollen, however it had gone down significantly over the weekend from what it had been on Friday. He did not think it was the lymph nodes, but there was a possibility that it was a blood clot, or something related to my port which was very common. So, he sent me over to the Radiology office to have an ultrasound done.

I walked across the street with a very strange feeling. So, I came up here today and thought my cancer might be back and now, I may have a blood clot instead that is causing back up?

Well, they basically scanned from my ear to my wrist. I could see the whole thing. You could see the blood flow. It was colored for the blood going into the heart and leaving the heart. When she was on my neck, I could see the lymph nodes. I kinda panicked when I saw them. I forgot that things were magnified on the screen, because they looked big and since she was just clicking and moving the wand around, I began getting nervous. The tech went and got the doctor and showed him what she had found. Indeed, it was a blood clot, right on the side of my port. There are a lot of vessels that run by it and it is very possible to have backup.

They told me to get dressed and wait in the lobby. Dr. Koonce and Dr. Mendelsohn needed to talk.

I saw Dr. Koonce coming my direction. A slew of thoughts flooded my mind and I could only imagine what he was going to ask.

“Are you taking an aspirin a day?”

Yeah, those were the words out of his mouth. They have told me from the beginning not to take aspirin because it thins your blood and with all the invasive things they do they did not want me to be extra susceptible to bleeding.

“No?” was the response he got back. Is that really about to be the thing to solve this.

“Well, you need to start taking one a day. And, you are free to go.” “Like, I don’t need to go back over there?” “No, Dr. Mendelsohn’s office will call and set up a follow-up appointment.”

I could not believe what had just happened. I came to Little Rock, mentally prepared for the cancer to be back and now, I’m leaving having to take an aspirin a day.

So, that was it. Yea. It really didn’t hit me. I still cant believe that all of that happened. It is hard to remember to take my aspirin, but the bottle sits on my bedside table and when I turn on my alarm at night, I usually remember.

I go on Monday (24th), for my follow up appointment. And, I guess we will know if its working or not. He didn’t say if I would have to get another ultrasound, but I guess that could be part of it.

I’ll try to be better about letting you know.