So, yesterday was an UGLY one. It’s the only word that i can use to describe it. It’s the most in control of an uncontrolled mind that I have ever experienced personally.
As I reflect back on it, it boils down to a bottomless pit of LONELINESS. It’s the only word I can find to describe the feelings I was experiencing. And, I’m not sure what triggered it.
It was a complete moment of depression and honestly I will never use the words “out of body experience” after all I went through. I was literally having out of body conversations with myself. Saying “pull it together”, “get up”, “get moving”, etc.
At the same time, there were words of insufficiency, inadequacy and simply not being “enough”. Words. Ugly words. Bitter words. And yet it was my voice.
I wanted to crawl back in bed and start over or at least end the day, but the silence only made the voices louder. Oh, I could distract them, but as soon as a moment of silence crept in, they were back. Words as black as tar and as sticky as fly paper. Words saturated like a sponge of lies. Destructive words reminiscent of circling vultures.
I spent the weekend in a room full of 1200 enthusiastic people. Most of whom were rejuvenated, revitalized and yet it was the quiet moments of my weekend that I allowed these thoughts of inadequacy sneak in. I think I kept them at bay with busyness and compressed them with details and planning.
But, there they were; a spewing geyser covering my soul like an oil spill.
As I worked through my day, I tried to talk myself through it. I tried to tell the truth to my heart, but the ugly was greater. I tried to think of who to call, but could not verbalized what I was feeling and tried to form descriptive words. When they failed me I thought about a text. “I’m having a bad day. A low. Please pray”. I didn’t send it bc I didn’t want to seem weak or try and describe what was going on. Plus when you ask someone to pray for you, you are then accountable to share when it comes true. Right, because prayer is a vending Machine of requests to God and when we find the golden ticket in the Wonka bar, we are supposed to jump in the air and kick our heels together?
I’m strong, right? I couldn’t let anyone know I was depressed. That would make me weak and not able to fix my own problems. Not able to control myself or my emotions. So I channeled my inner Martha and made myself busy. Now don’t get me wrong. I had an Excel party and organized the mess out of my desk, which are both firms of my love language! But as soon as my to-do list was finished and the quiet kicked back in, the voices were waiting on me like gargoyles outside a haunted mansion. Just perched up on their stand ready with their snarls and snares; like a briar patch just waiting for me to walk by and “accidentally” puncture me as I sauntered by. And they did.
Again, I sought a salve for my soul. This is the kind of night that would normally call for an impromptu trip to Taco Mama or at least a Apple Streusel French toast at Cracker Barrel finished off with Pumpkin Custard. Yes, these are the ways I soothe a burning, hurting heart. But not last night. There was no one to go with and that reality was like pouring gasoline on a fire.
So, I came home. And tried snacks. Food will usually do it. After all, if you eat a bunch of junk food, you will always feel better about yourself. I tried TV, but my DVR was empty. I tried a movie, but my DVD player is not hooked up right and to keep from throwing every disk in my living room, I was able to manage enough sense to walk away. So I sat here. In the middle of my big red couch on the sunken cushion in the middle where I’ve made my nest and I fought. I waged a war, a mental war where ugly truth and pretty lies met. It was then that I remembered. Satan is a liar. These were not my words, they were his words. Excuse me, his lies. His chalky, heavy, black coffee, bitter words. And, they had hurt. They took my Monday. Stole my joy. Built up inadequacy. Tore down a sacred spirit.
Now I must admit I’ve laughed at people who told me the only diet that ever worked for them was to pray and ask God to take away their desire to eat. I mean really who would ever pray that? And, does God really have time to answer that kind of prayer? And it was in that moment that I realized He alone is the only victor over Satan’s lies.
So, about 10:30 last night the voice in my heart cried out. Begged for fresh thoughts. A new mindset. One that would overcome ugly. One full of truth.
The words, ugly words, that were clinging to my heart strings peeled away one finger at a time. Oh it took several moments of me reaching out. Asking, pleading, praying each tiny bitter finger of the wicked witch that had provided the bitter, poisonous fruit that I had taken a big bite of.
And then, there it was. Waiting in my email. How long had it been there? Why had it come tonight and not today?
But it whispered sweet nothing’s to my heart.
Today’s Bible Verse (Job 10:8-12)
Your hands have made me and fashioned me, an intricate unity; yet You would destroy me. Remember, I pray, that You have made me like clay. And will You turn me into dust again? Did You not pour me out like milk, and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh, and knit me together with bones and sinews? You have granted me life and favor, and Your care has preserved my spirit. NKJV
Oh, bless our God, you peoples! And make the voice of His praise to be heard, who keeps our soul among the living, and does not allow our feet to be moved. For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid affliction on our backs. You have caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; but You brought us out to rich fulfillment! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah! (Psalm 66)
You mean He audibly speaks to us too? Yes, I read the words out loud. Yes, I understood He was speaking directly to me. Yes, I heard Him.
He formed me, He created me and that alone makes me enough.
Yesterday was full of new truths. But, why did it take me so long, after I tried everything I thought I could do to control the situation, to realize my ugly lies could be resolved by the Father of truth.
Guess I kinda feel like my clay pot got re-centered on the wheel this morning.