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how deep is ugly

…or as I like to call it, “when our heart out paces our soul”.
As one who likes to combat the notion that we only put our
good on social media, I want to be raw and real for a moment.
This last week as been pretty ugly.  Loneliness has crept in, in the recent weeks
and I saw it begin to reveal its ugly little head this week.
After a really ugly year in 2013, I noticed the beginnings
of what turned in to an ugly cycle of depression.  Thankfully I’m recognizing it.  Thankfully I’m seeing it early where I can do
something about it.  After all,
recognition is the first step. (right?)
But, as I’ve thought and reflected this morning in my
devotional time, I’ve realized something. 
I used stuff to stuff the lonely feelings.
Last week I posted about my “possibilities hoarding
tendencies.  And, they are so real.  But, coming off 2 weeks of cleaning out, I’m
realizing without the stuff there, I have to deal with the real thing that was
beneath them.  Yes, the ugly, dirt
covered floor of my garage.  Its nasty
and every time I walk out there, I bring some of the dirt back in to my house
on my bare feet.  Thankfully I can rub it
off on the mat at my door, but its still there as a reminder. 
Now I could get all kinds of crazy metaphorical on you here,
but I’ll spare us both the lesson. 
Its been a hard week. 
Cleaning all that stuff out and packing it up for someone to come pick
up was like peeling the scab off an old wound. 
It was just starting to heal because it was covered up.  The new skin was starting to grow over it and
conceal it even better.  But no, I had to
go and reveal it.  Bring it back up to
the surface. 
Looking at our ugly is hard. Seeing who we really are in our
core is brutal.  There is a reason I had
it covered. 
Lonely is a dark place. 
It’s an empty place.  Its like
being in a tunnel and you can’t see the point of

How Deep is Ugly? | @bigpittstop | when our heart out paces our soul

origination or the light of
deliverance.  Oh, I feel like I’m about
to make a turn and there will be a new light source.  Something drawing me toward it that will
shed light on where I currently am.  I
know its there because I’ve experienced it before.  You can’t always live in the middle of the
dark tunnel.

The deepest parts of the ocean is a place where its pitch
dark, freezing and pressure is so condensed it squashes out most anything that
can live.  Problem is the sea creatures
that live down there have had to make adaptations to be able to survive.  They are scary looking creatures, but they’ve
made it work.  I think that’s something I’m
fearful of.  What scars will always
remain if I stay in this place?
So, I will walk forward. 
Knowing, hoping and relying on the fact that because there has been a
light before, there will be a light again (I’m sure there’s some philosophical
law theory that puts a name to this!).
This morning my prayer was, “God come and fill the empty
places of my heart like foam expanding caulk. 
I want my heart to look more like You than it does like me.  Fill my voids, my ugly thoughts, the deep
gallows where nothing exists, with more of who You are.”    

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5 thoughts on “how deep is ugly

  1. We have all been that deep, in that ugly place! Prayers that we all have the strength and power to pull ourselves out! Our Heavenly Father is there to give us a hand up!! It is a. Continual battle! But we will win it!! Love you and all you do for us!

  2. Keisha,
    What a beautiful woman you are! I love to see how God is using you for great things. It is crazy that I just happened to read this post today. Because the message at church this Sunday addressed the heart of these things. I really can commiserate with you, I also struggle with depression. I think it's a blatant attack from Satan. Our pastor referenced James 1:2-5 and Philippians 2:14-18. I'll quote him: "Trials are reasons to rejoice. When they come, it means God is at work in you, to mature you. Trials are constructive and not destructive. Fight for Joy amidst our trials and this will strengthen our witness for Christ and not hinder our sanctification process. We want to shine like stars for Christ." Joy is a command! We love you through this terrible sadness and pray! Because God delights in our prayer, hears our prayer, and has plans for your good. Jeremiah 29:11-12 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future. Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you."
    Love you,
    Laura

  3. Keisha,
    What a beautiful woman you are! I love to see how God is using you for great things. It is crazy that I just happened to read this post today. Because the message at church this Sunday addressed the heart of these things. I really can commiserate with you, I also struggle with depression. I think it's a blatant attack from Satan. Our pastor referenced James 1:2-5 and Philippians 2:14-18. I'll quote him: "Trials are reasons to rejoice. When they come, it means God is at work in you, to mature you. Trials are constructive and not destructive. Fight for Joy amidst our trials and this will strengthen our witness for Christ and not hinder our sanctification process. We want to shine like stars for Christ." Joy is a command! We love you through this terrible sadness and pray! Because God delights in our prayer, hears our prayer, and has plans for your good. Jeremiah 29:11-12 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future. Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you."
    Love you,
    Laura

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