Do you ever experience loneliness? 
When does it kick in?  Is there a trigger, or is it just a feeling?

I find myself wondering these things often.  Maybe its just the empty Saturday schedule or the fact that my world is a little less “busy” these days, but I don’t do “idle” or “still” very well. 

And, I guess that its not fair to think about being lonely because I’m not surrounded by people.  As if loneliness is a result of something someone else did to me.  Either way, its not a fun feeling.  I mean, I look around and I see a full email box, I’ve spent my morning responding to a slew of text messages, I’ve had an hour long phone call with my aunt, and Facebook tells me I have 1,889 friends.  So, my life should be full right? 

I’ve spent the morning looking through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.  People gathered last night in groups, pods of people, to cook out, swim and celebrate.  Those same groups are gathered this morning with donuts and homemade casseroles continuing the celebration. 

I miss my Arkadelphia people on a weekend that included Independence Day.  I mourn the traditional (and creative) celebrations we had.  I miss not having to wonder how I’m going to spend the day or with whom I’ll be.  I miss not feeling like I’m intruding to invite myself along for the festivities.  I miss planning random pay dates and excursions.

Its my own fault.  I had people try and include me and I said “no”.  I was waiting for a better offer.  Not better, just the one I wanted. 

I’m grumpy.  I’m tired of striving.  I’m not myself and I want to be more. 

I’ve had 2 weeks of laziness in the evenings and its time to take back my world.  This week I’m going to clean out.  I’m going to get myself ready for a sewing fest.  I’m going to be busy and productive and if my world is not surrounded with people interaction, I’ll fill the time to make a difference. 

And, I’m pretty sure I need to stay off Facebook today.  A girl has got to know her emotional boundaries and today, the art of comparison is mine.


5 thoughts on “lonelies

  1. I hope you are feeling better about things today, lady. The social media world can definitely make us all feel lonesome and left out. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction though. When I'm feeling that way, I like to get out and do something physical, whether it be working in the garden or going for a run. Otherwise, I'll organize something or start a new project. I hope you are back to feeling fabulous soon!

  2. Keisha, I have sometimes said that loneliness should be designated as a mental illness. It sounds as if, even in writing this, you turned a corner. Recognizing your own role in creating the lonely space. Maybe some of those Arkadelphia traditions you miss, you could create in your own life now. Interesting to read this and I appreciate your sharing it with us. Like the previous commenter, I certainly wish you well.

  3. The first thing I think of is the idea that sometimes we can be the most lonely when in a crowded room. I know I certainly feel that way many times! Many times I know I have many acquaintances, FB friends, etc. but no one I feel truly intimate with emotionally and that is incredibly, incredibly lonely.

  4. Thanks ladies for your sweet words. thankfully, our pal Rhonda invited me over to wash my blues away with those 3 adorable rugrats at her house…it helped..and I'm the weird friend who likes to grocery shop so we added that to our list too.

    Some days you just have to be honest and write words that will be hard to go back and read, but your journaled life needs to remember where you were.

    Thank you for helping bring community to my ever-changing life in NWA!

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